


Eggplants and Merry Men

by CultureisDarkBeer



Category: Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (TV), The X-Files
Genre: F/F, F/M, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-06
Updated: 2018-02-08
Packaged: 2019-03-14 18:01:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13595427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CultureisDarkBeer/pseuds/CultureisDarkBeer
Summary: Warning: The following should not be read by anyone.The contagion is spreading throughout all of West Covina. Mulder and Scully are scrambling for answers while the side effects turn strangely erotic...





	1. Scully Gets Her Groove Back

**Author's Note:**

> This was created by request and is from an x-files POV...

“According to the file, a Greg Serrano first reported the incidents claiming to have barely gotten out of the town alive. Apparently the urge to break into song became so intense that it drove him to alcoholism….and finally hysterics about his life becoming a shit show,” Scully read from the file with an eyebrow raised, “I understand why he might question his mental sanity when breaking into song concerning giving his girlfriend a UTI but….” Scully looked over at Mulder who was driving their rental along the California highway, “How is this an x-file?”

“Look at the following page. That’s a pretty long list of people claiming uncontrollable song bursts. I’m inclined to lean towards demonic possession…. Although there are some signs of the occult….”

“Right, but it could also be Tourette syndrome, Schizophrenia, or dementia..”

“Dementia in a man under 30?”

“Hallucinogenic plants?”

Mulder pulled the car into a parking spot. “All the interviews stated that this phenomena started with the arrival of a woman named Rebecca Bunch. So she is our first stop.”

They knocked at the apartment door and the door flung open. Mulder and Scully flipped open their badges as Scully went through the drill, “I’m Agent Scully, this is my partner Agent Mulder with the FBI. We were wondering if we could ask you a few questions…”

“You guys are early…” Rebecca said pulling Mulder inside and looking him over, running a hand down his chest. “Hmmm. You will definitely do..” She looked over at Scully, “I see what’s going on here… you play the librarian type that gets all freaky once the lights go out.. Do you also do soft porn or is it strictly stage performances?”

Scully glanced at Mulder who was expressionless. “We’re from the F….B...I. Federal Bureau of Investigation. I believe you have us confused with someone else?”

“You’re not here to audition for strip karaoke night? Because Josh’s mom puts on one hell of a show and we could definitely use him… you’re a little old, but still got a hell of a lot going on there…” Rebecca said as she pointed two of her fingers towards Mulder’s ab section… and “there” she continued as she cupped the air an inch from Mulder’s crotch and then pretended to fan herself.

Mulder stood frozen and smiled laughing nervously.

Scully cleared her throat. “We can either ask the questions here or bring you downtown for questioning. Are you on any medication? Psychotic drugs perhaps?”

“None that I’m actually taking…” She turned her attention back to Mulder, “So what brings you here partner to this one horse town?”

Mulder looked into her eyes trying to get a read, “We’re getting reports of people having uncontrollable psychotic breaks where they lapse into song and dance routines, some including complete wardrobe changes…”

“What...where...here….nooo..well...maybe. Damn you’re cute,” Rebecca rambled, “You know I could go for an older man. I slept with Greg’s dad and he’s got nothing on you… have you visited any elevators recently? Maybe you could join me in the pantry? You’d be surprised with what I can do with Scotch tape and some highlighters..”

Mulder opened his mouth to speak when Darryl appeared at the door, “Agents Mulder and Scully? I’m sorry I was running late, I’m Darryl Whitefeather, Rebecca worked for me and I work with Rebecca from time to time. Are you employed at the firm now? I can never keep track. Anyhoo, I’m thinking maybe Agent Mulder and I can start at the fertility clinic. From what I understand you investigate eugenics programs and there might be something fishy because my sperm is healthy and yet I’ve only been able to get one woman pregnant.”

“Have you tried with multiple women?” Scully asked wondering if everyone in this town talked at the speed of light and had ADHD.

“Oh, well, I don’t actually have sex with these women… ewww..no…I don’t like women this week.. that’s why I think its a conspiracy.” Darryl dropped his voice holding the back of his hand to his mouth as he whispered to Mulder and nodded, “aliens.”

“Mulder, can I see you outside for a moment?” Scully asked with her arms crossed and her head tilted.

Mulder followed her as she whispered, “I think we should start by testing the water supply… this is obvious widespread paranoia and psychosis..”

“I’m not so sure,” Mulder answered, “I’m going to head to the fertility clinic with Darryl, why don’t you follow up with...” Mulder flipped open the file folder, “Josh Chan and Nathaniel Plimpton III?”

*

Roaming around town, including finding a very angry pregnant lady carrying Darryl’s baby, led Scully inside a gay bar where a large older Filipino woman was interviewing half naked men.

Scully approached the stage and the men stopped their routine to gather around. “Excuse me, but I’m looking for Josh and Nathaniel?”

Josh jumped down to greet her smiling ear to ear and Scully thought with a little makeup he could pass for a serial killer. “I was wondering what you could tell me about Rebecca Bunch?”

“Ah, Rebecca, I hit that ass all over her house…” Josh smiled reminiscing, “I mean she’s crazy, and probably needs to be committed...but I do love her…”

Nathaniel jumped from the stage and got between Josh and Scully, “Don’t talk about my girlfriend… well, my fuck buddy... closeted sex… what was the question?”

“You are smoking,” Josh remarked admiring Scully. Their blatant lack of seriousness was causing Scully’s feathers to ruffle.

“She is hot,” Nathaniel agreed, “Would you prefer if I took my shirt off too?” He began quickly unbuttoning it.

“I saw her first,” Josh whined and pushed Nathaniel. Nathaniel pushed him back and they started wrestling, “I’m more her type,” Nathaniel yelled.    

“Guys, stop. Please.” Scully countered, getting between the two of them touching their glistening bare chests. The contact caused a weird tingling sensation that spread to the lower cortex of the brain. It gave her a unique adrenaline rush. “Honestly guys I wouldn’t hold your breath. It took my partner Mulder six years just for a kiss. You see in my universe Mulder and I only have sex for the purpose of procreation or desperation,” As the words came out, a faint piano was heard playing in the background and she was suddenly dressed in a red tuxedo equipped with a top hat and cane. The lights dimmed and the gay men rallied around her with Josh and Nathaniel bringing up the rear, hanging on her every word…. And with that, despite her internal protests, Scully broke into song….

 

Sorry… If it sounds like I’m losing my mind, as time has not been kind,

I’ve been raped, I’ve been drugged, I’ve been tied up,

I’ve been gagged, I’ve been beaten, I’ve been dried up.

They gave cancer to my friends and you know how that ends,

But now this chip in my neck has me fired up...because…

 

There’s no for sex for me,

Nope we’re rated PG,

Damn CC,

Made a virgin out of me,

I’m a sweet catholic girl you see,

Made for primetime tv,

I know you want to believe, everything you’ve seen,

But Mulder and me, are only fucking offscreen

 

Yes seven years they left me rusting

Now I was impregnated by what?...who?...disgusting!

Couldn’t it simply be from deep dick Mulder thrusting?

After all these years of neglect my lower half must be dead,

Hell, I’d settle for a finger bang & giving Mulder a little head,

But CC won’t set me free.

 

He abducted me and you’d think with all that strobe,

I’d at least get an alien probe,

But there’s no Monica with a waterproof vibrator in that tub

And with purity control comes not even a hope for a dry rub,

Our gazes and lack of clothing, in cheap motel rooms we’ll pull out some champagne and toast,

But, nah, at the end of an episode the whole fandoms out there humping their bedpost

That’s right, the only moaning I get is from spaceships, bright lights, and lizard man’s dreams because..

 

When Mulder’s all wrapped up around me you think he’d want to fuck

But it’s just him and his hand tonight because he’s out of luck,

The whole damn x-files world is crazy, And you don’t want to mess with me right now

With me there is no happy ending, only glimpses of rainbows in the rain

And I’m horny as hell because

 

There’s no for sex for me,

Nope we’re rated PG,

Damn CC,

Made a virgin out of me

I’m a sweet catholic girl you see,

Made for primetime tv,

I know you want to believe... everything you’ve seen,

But Mulder and me... are only fucking offscreen

Scully came back into reality as she gyrated and swung against a stripper pole. The men all lacking shirts and pants with chests heaving and abs bulging, posed around her on their knees with jazz hands and a full orchestra behind them. Scully was in a panic. She had to find Mulder fast before she got sucked into this town forever… TO BE CONTINUED.....


	2. Contagion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The contagion is spreading... Read at your own risk...

[West Covina Fertility Clinic 3:35PM]

 

Scully entered the clinic and heard Mulder’s familiar groan. The sound made her insides ache involuntarily. When she turned the corner she was shocked to see Mulder and Darryl in what seemed like the throws of a passionate moment.

“Scully, it’s not what it looks like,” Mulder panted as he fixed himself and buttoned his pants. 

“It looks like you’re performing anal sex while giving him a reach around with a vibrating fleshlight,” Scully commented cooly, “Nice cockring by the way.”

“Thanks..” Mulder winked, “It's the one you bought for me..” He strapped his gun back on and looked Scully’s way, “Ok so it’s kind of what it looks like but I was only impregnating Darryl.” 

Scully looked at him doubtfully, “I know I don't need to tell you about the birds and the bees and the monkey babies Mulder,  but there is no uterus in his anal cavity.” 

“No, there is..” Darryl explained, “I was abducted and CSM put a chip in the back of my neck, just like yours..look.” Darryl lowered his collar to expose his neck to Scully and she nodded.  

“So he needs my super sperm,” Mulder clarified, “It's alien science Scully.” 

“How did you know it was CSM?” Scully asked Darryl. 

“Well, he was all wrinkly with yellowed cataract blue eyes and he never stopped smoking… oh, oh, and he yelled out, ‘I’ve watched presidents die’ right before he came..”

Scully nodded, “Yeah, that’s your father Mulder.”

Mulder squinted at her curiously, but said nothing. Just then they were interrupted by Skinner.

“Okay you two.. I’ve been trying to get a hold of you all day. Your phones must not work out here. While you were playing around Mulder, The Lone Gunman and I have located files on Rebecca Bunch. It seems her and her mother were part of the eugenics program conducted by Dr. Shiro Zama. She’s an alien hybrid and her personality and psychosis is unstable, much like the others affected by Purity Control. That would account for the powers she has over people to break into dance routines. Not to mention other strange alien powers that we are yet to understand. Whatever they are they are strong as it is affecting this whole town… I’m going to head over to the club to see what I can find there. Scully, why don’t you find Paula and see if she can provide any additional information. Mulder.. Well, maybe you should come with me…”

“I’m going to head back to the motel room first,” Mulder corrected, “Scully and I were up early this morning and I think I need a little shuteye… Scully?”

“Uh, yeah, I’m kind of tired too. Shuteye sounds real good about now.”

“Okay,” Skinner relented, “I’ll stop by the motel later before I head over to the club.”

*****

4 hours later…

Skinner knocked on the door to Mulder’s room, but there was no answer. Afraid they might be in trouble, Skinner twisted the knob and let himself in.  Mulder was on all fours in a muzzle and a gimp mask, while Scully took him from behind with a strap-on while she was whipping him with a crop in one hand and had The Pulse vibrating his frenulum with the other.

They stopped when they heard Skinner enter and looked his way. “What is up with you two?” Skinner asked. “How the hell did we get here?”

“We were drugged,” They countered in unison.

“Well, there’s a woman spying on you through the window,” Skinner remarked as he hopped on one foot to take off his shoes and remove his pants. Unbuttoning his shirt he tossed it on the nearby chair. “Someone needs to satisfy Dana,” Skinner added and approached the bed…

*****

That night…..

The club was crowded when Scully entered with Paula. Paula was carrying a bag of vegetables from the supermarket they had just left where she insisted on introducing Scully to her first penis/boyfriend. The music had already started and Scully saw Rebecca at the stage ogling Mulder who appeared to have entered the strip karaoke contest. Which kind of made sense since he was the original master of the ugly cry. When he saw Scully he jumped down from the stage to say hello. Darryl ran up to the three of them shouting, “Look, I got the results back! I’m pregnant!”

He high fived Mulder and they both started dancing, “My sperm is healthy, my sperm is healthy…”

“Mulder,” Scully interrupted, “There’s something I need to tell you… I’m pregnant too…”

Mulder caressed the back of her head, kissed her gently, and smiled, “I told you we could make miracles happen twice.”

The place went dark as the performers started their routines and Mulder ran back to the stage.  As Mulder was set to perform he looked out into the crowd. Something didn’t feel right.  Skinner was in the corner doing who-knows-what with Josh’s mom. The thought made Mulder cringe. Scully was making out with Paula while the two of them were pleasuring each other with what looked like eggplants, while Josh and Nathaniel danced behind them, and Rebecca was glaring at him like Mulder was the center of her universe. It was all wrong and Mulder knew they had to get out of there fast. He jumped off the stage and pried a lipstick faced Skinner away from his unsuspecting host, then he picked up Scully while she kicked and screamed and Paula cried, “Wait, I think I love you..”

He headed for the rental car and hit the gas to the motel to pick up their overnight bags so they could hit the road. They packed in a hurry and as Mulder opened the door to put the rest of their belongings into the car Rebecca stood at the other end with a puff of smoke billowing around her. When the smoke cleared Mulder was able to make out the Smoking Man with Dr. They and the rest of  her friends in the background. With one hand on her hip and her eyebrow raised she asked, “Anyone up for a lemon party?” 

The next day….

Mulder, Scully, and Skinner woke to find themselves in the lounge area of the LAX airport. “Is everyone alright?” Scully said checking Mulder for head wounds. 

“What happened?” Skinner asked holding his own head.

“I don’t know,” Mulder replied, “It’s like all my memories from last night were erased and my watch is running slow...Look! All of our shoelaces are untied... that’s gotta mean something…” 

**Author's Note:**

> I tried to make the musical number corny as hell to make is as embarrassing as possible for Scully.


End file.
